In this PE class fifteen years ago, we were divided into three groups, and were explained the rules of the game.

There would be ten rounds. Each round, the whole group, consisting of these three teams would be presented with an amount of money each round, for example, $100. We would go back to our groups and decide if we wanted to pick the “Team” option or the “Individual” option. The three groups would confer in secret, write our answer down, and then hand it in to our teacher.

If all 3 groups picked “Team”, then every group would be presented with the (hypothetical) $100. If one group picked “Individual”, then that group would get double, $200, while the other 2 groups would get 0. If 2 groups picked “Individual,” then all three groups would get 0. We played this game through ten rounds with different amounts of money each time.

In the end the teacher tallied up our totals, and there was a winner, let’s say they came away with $4000, while group 2 had $3000, and group 3 had $2000.

Then the teacher presented what would have happened if every group picked the “Team” option every time, and thus all groups would have gotten money, and how much money we would have had. And it ended up being something like $8,000, or double what the winning group received in the end. The lesson was, if people worked together, and put their own interests aside, and did what was best for the group, instead of trying to get ahead individually, all three groups would have “won”.

So how does this relate to soccer, MagicJack and the WPS?

Last week, I was lying on the trainer’s table, getting some ultrasound, and killing some time flicking through twitter. I saw that someone had posted about some of the most decorated national team players deciding to opt out of WPS, and join MagicJack, thus continuing the saga that is WPS and Dan Borislow.

I tweeted my first thought, “The players call the shots in the WPS saga. If no one plays for Borislow, he has no team. For those that do, questionable ethics and integrity. Its not about the WPS, its about taking a paycheck from a guy who blatantly mistreated some of their teammates, and is a proven bully.”

One person took offence to my “harsh” words, and questioned, would I rather these players work as a barista at Starbucks, instead of having the opportunity to play pro soccer. I responded that I would take a barista at Starbucks with honor and integrity any day, than people receiving a paycheck from a bully, and someone who has proven to be absolutely toxic to the growth of the women’s game.

I say the word bully, with first hand knowledge from friends who played for MagicJack last year. Friends that have come from professional environments, and were horrified on every level about what they experienced last year. The fear of even talking about what they experienced, was palpable. One friend was particularly fearful, as she was truly convinced that he could make bad things happen to her, and that his power extended far outside the confines of the soccer field, should he hear her say anything negative about her experience.

This is why when I heard high profile names, being thrown around as potential members of Borislow’s 2012 team, players who witnessed this mistreatment of their teammates in 2011, I was even more disgusted. These are the very players that have power in the women’s game. For them to support this guy, and take money from him, (and let’s make no mistake about this, unless I’m way off base here, this is about money, and not because Dan Borislow the person, made an incredible impact on their lives) is like watching my PE lesson from grade 12 and its consequences, play out in real life.

Those players chose “Individual,” got their hypothetical $200, while everyone else and the sport itself got $0, when everyone could have won. Friends that I have been training with all winter, fantastic people and players, who turned down great offers in Europe to play WPS, now may not have a chance to play soccer this year. And let me make this clear, this isn’t about these influential players having to support the WPS, or even play in it, if they didn’t agree with how it was run. But by supporting Borislow, they were working against the league and against the growth of the sport, putting their own selfish interests and bank accounts in the short term ahead of giving a pro league for women in the US a chance to flourish in the long run.

The legacy of these players in my mind, is not as champions, no matter how many trophies and medals they have carried home. In picking the hypothetical “Individual,” they played a crucial role in bringing down a league, when they were the very ones who could have lifted it up. In my mind, these players have left a far more powerful and memorable legacy than any on-field moment could provide.

I had a pretty poignant moment in my last training session up in Penticton, that sort of tied together a lot of things that have happened in the last few weeks, including my last 2 blog posts, which were as honest as they were controversial.

One of the girls came running on to the field breathless about 30 minutes into my 1 hr and 15 minute session yesterday. She apologized profusely telling me that she had taken the Greyhound from Kelowna (an hour ride) and the bus had run late. At this point it was only 9am, and as I continued to run the session, I was amazed that this fifteen year old, had obviously been up at the crack of dawn, taking a Greyhound, just for an hour practice. In this day and age when kids for the most part seem to take for granted opportunities as their parents shuttle them from one activity to another, I was just struck by this girl’s dedication and self-motivation, and had a hard time focusing solely on the session.

I mentioned it to the guys that had hosted me after the session, and they took the emotional impact of this girl on me, one step further. They told me that her Mom had just died of cancer at home a few months before, after being sick for a long time. This girl, who I will call “Jen” had been making the trip to Penticton on the bus 3 or 4 times a week over the last year. I found myself starting to cry on the spot, trying to look out the window, casually wiping the tears from my face, a little embarrassed at getting emotional in front of a couple of guys I was only just getting to know.

As I mentioned before, Jen’s story touched me, perhaps because I too have grown up with my mother struggling with an illness, and I can relate to what a powerful form of therapy soccer was. It provided me with an escape, a place for hope and dreams, a solid core of friends, and just something that made sense, when illness shattered every form of what I thought normal was or was supposed to be. I’ve seen so much ugliness as I’ve climbed the ranks of soccer, and for someone that has always looked at soccer as a refuge from all that sucks in this world, it clarified for me just a little more, about why I bother writing those blog posts, and why I feel such a passion to defend the game’s honour. I just feel from the bottom of my heart, that soccer should be a place where dreams are safe to grow and the people that are guiding the game should be honourable and fit to lead.

That being said, I’ve spent the last couple of weeks pondering the blogs and the stress that I felt in both reliving what has gone on, and for going against the grain and for speaking out, which to be honest, is scary and somewhat stressful. In a way that some people ask themselves WWJD (what would jesus do?), I thought about WWMD (what would mum do?), as I often do when I’m in a tough situation, and reflected on my Mum’s illness and the lessons that it has taught me.

My Mum was diagnosed with MS when I was six, and moved first to a walker when I was 10, stopped driving as soon as I was able at 16, and was in a wheelchair when I was 20. I have vivid childhood memories, of hope put into a cure in all sorts of ways and the rollercoaster ride it took us all on. There was a hospital stay for steroid treatment, a trip to the famed Mayo Clinic in Minnesota to be put on a special diet. There were healing masses (a necessity for any Irish Catholic), special pills, injectable drugs, the list went on and on. There was the high of hope prior to any of these activities, followed by the depressing times when the haze of treatment lifted, and still nothing in her condition had changed.

And finally one day after about 12 years on this rollercoaster of the “search for the cure”, my brave and unbelievably positive Mum had had enough. She wasn’t going to bother anymore trying to fight the disease, she was going to accept it, and make the best of it. And from there, every ounce of her energy was put into living successfully with it. She puts any serious athlete to shame with her dedication (including myself). Every morning she is peddling a special bike that my Dad made, that she can sit on her wheelchair and pedal on. Once a week she goes to the pool for a class for disabled people, she lost 30 pounds on Weight Watchers in 6 months without being able to “properly” exercise. Inspiration doesn’t do justice to how this lady conducts herself and how she’s always conducted herself, especially since she took the strong step to accepting the hand she’d been dealt. By accepting the body she has no choice but to live in, she’s transferred her energy into what she can do, instead of dwelling on all that she no longer can.

And that’s where I’m at with everything. I could sit and re-hash my many negative experiences growing up as a women’s soccer player in Canada, and maybe one day I’ll just write a book and get it all out there. But for now, I think I’ll take my Mum’s lesson, one of so many that she’s taught me in my life, and not fight it any more. Just like my Mum has no control over her body, there are so many things in society which we are forced to live in, but often have no control.

In the end its about the kids like Jen, the kids that have experienced life and soccer at the most deepest and purest of levels, and doing what’s best for them in making changes moving forward. To make their experience in soccer something special and memorable.

At one point in the midst of a frustrating soccer experience where I was standing up for what I believed it, my Dad said to me “Ciara, there is a reason why there is the saying, you can’t fight city hall.” My immediate response was, “Dad, I don’t want to fight city hall, I just want to build a bigger and better one next door.”

That to me is the biggest motto to myself in how I’d like to move forward.

*Edit note: I have added Duane Rollins’ response with his blessing below. Also, people have made the point that Rollins is not a journalist, but a blogger. Regardless, people are forming opinions based on the information that he, and others like him present as researched and unbiased. Because of this, I am choosing to hold him and others to the same journalistic standard of presenting an unbiased truth.

——————-

I wrote a blog the other day, after I read an article from a journalist that I thought was somewhat troubling from a factual perspective. Women’s Professional Soccer is throwing water out of the boat right now, trying to stay alive, and the women’s game in particular in both the US and Canada is stagnant. It makes no sense to me, with approximately 4 million girls playing soccer in North America, that post college it is such a struggle to continue playing the game. The pieces are there, and development is a word that is thrown out all the time to draw kids in and charge their parents money, but the fact is, that since I graduated from high school 14 years ago, there have been minuscule changes in opportunities for women to continue to play at a high level, once they are finished college/university soccer.

In my opinion, there has to be a reason for things not moving forward in a positive direction. From what I have seen and experienced, the motivation for this stagnation is that there is a system in place, and people getting power and a pay check from things remaining in the status quo. Energy is put into protecting one’s territory instead of welcoming the challenge and uncertainty of growth.

Furthermore, there is such a pure and utter lack of transparency in our soccer system in general. Part of it, we as players, coaches and administrators within the system, must take responsibility for. Many will stand by and protect their own opportunities, instead of being a voice when someone else is wronged. The majority of the time, those who face injustice, walk away and move on to other things without saying anything, feeling silenced by an institution that feels more powerful than their small voices of truth.

Transparency allows accountability, and because of this, if we depend on anyone to report fairly and accurately, to paint the true picture that is so desperately needed, it is the journalists who tell the story.

I picked Duane Rollins article the other day about the Whitecaps and the WPS to critique. I did this because as I mentioned in my last blog (“Whitecaps, WPS and Rollins”), from my experience as a player, I felt using the Whitecaps as an authority on what the model of women’s professional soccer should like, was detrimental to the truth.

I went through Rollins’ articles from this last year that he wrote concerning women’s soccer, and what I read was a consistent distortion of the truth and “anonymous” sources used to back up many damaging assertions. These “anonymous” sources were from the Canadian Soccer Association, an institution that I believe epitomizes my assertion of powerful organizations who are more concerned with protecting their power, as individuals and as a group, instead of doing their job and moving the women’s game forward.

In fairness to Rollins, he is not the only journalist not presenting the whole story, but I’d like to use his work as an example of how the misinformation that the public is having presented as fact, is playing a role in the untruths that are being perpetuated, and stifling, moving women’s soccer forward, in a positive direction.

I appreciate Mr Rollins welcoming a dialogue, and we have opened one dialogue now. Instead of having it behind the closed doors of emails back and forth, I will post the email that I have sent to him. I will leave it up to him how he chooses to respond and what information he would like to make public.

Let me make this clear. This isn’t about slinging mud, its about a true desire to present the truth and the reality of what women’s soccer looks like on the inside, from people like myself who have experienced it. Change is not possible, without it, and in presenting the truth, I’d like to do my small part towards pushing for the change that our system is starving for.

———————————

Sent: Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hi Duane.

Thanks for reading my blog and for taking the time to send along your contact info.

With the Whitecaps women, I stand by what I said. With all due respect, you
are horribly misinformed if you believe that the Whitecaps are one of the
most committed organizations to women’s soccer and you are doing a
disservice to the truth by leading people to believe that. I gave you many
specific details in the blog how things have been over the last decade that
hopefully will allow you to reconsider making such a strong statement. I
also can give you the contact details of many of my teammates on the
Whitecaps 2011 roster, who have experienced professionalism in the women’s
game, playing in the WPS and overseas in Europe. They will also strongly
refute your assertion that the Whitecaps in any kind of way should be held
up as a model to be followed, or anyone in the organization’s opinion should
matter in terms of the direction or management of the women’s game.

I’d be more than happy for you to dig a little deeper on what’s been going
on, on the women’s side of the Whitecaps in the last few years. What I have
reported is just the tip of the iceberg, although I am sure the organization
would not be as keen to reveal those many skeletons in the closet.

To take things a step further, I admit that I have not been impressed by
your writing on Canadian women’s soccer in general over the last year in
terms of impartiality to what you are reporting. I have read articles here
and there, but spent this morning reviewing through every article that I
have been able to find that you have written in the last year on Canadian
women’s soccer. In reading through these articles, I have been reminded why
I have been particularly irked by the information that you have reported in
the past.

Through refreshing myself on your work this morning I feel warranted in my
strong reaction to your WPS/Whitecaps piece as not just an innocent
mis-informed one-off, but rather just another example in a long pattern of
erroneous “reporting” on the women’s side of the game. I put reporting in
quotations to make the point that a key component of journalism as I
understand it, is integrity and with no bias, with a clear intention to seek
the truth. In re-reading your work on Canadian women’s soccer this morning,
I feel it is something that you have failed to do on multiple occasions.

Although there were many articles filled with erroneous information from
“anonymous” and “trusted” sources, one in particular, that you wrote (February 6, 2011) titled “Morace’s demands” (click here to read) was filled such pro-CSA information, that I will have to admit that in reading it at the time, and again this morning, makes you seem
as though you are not a journalist, but rather a mouthpiece for the CSA.

I can pull it apart piece by piece if you wish to have a further discussion
on it, but for now, I will say that I’d be more than happy to hear your full
perspective on women’s soccer in Canada, and what you believe it will take
for it to be successful. From your multiple postings on twitter where I was
“@”, it seemed as though you believed that I misinterpreted you. I would
love to hear how, and look forward to dialoguing with you about it.

I want to make the final point, that this isn’t about reacting to something
“negative” being said about women’s soccer. As an athlete I think critique
is a fantastic thing, as it insinuates that someone is coming from a
position of wanting to help something reach its highest potential, and is
providing constructive information or truth that will move something towards
a positive solution. Something can’t reach its highest potential without
critique, and I think anyone involved in women’s soccer just wants the sport
to have the chance to realize that immense potential that we all see it has,
and just want the facts presented as they are.

Those are the glasses that I am seeing this all through if that helps you
understand my perspective a bit better. As someone that has lived the game
at the most personal level over the last 2 decades in this country, and seen
the nonsense that is rampant that is holding the development of the game
back, I am dedicated for the truth to be told so that things are better for
the next generation. Truth provides the opportunity for accountability,
which is crucial for growth. For that reason, I am perhaps extra sensitive
towards people such as yourself that are in a position for that truth to be
told, to do their due diligence and report fairly and accurately.

Sincerely,
Ciara McCormack

——————————

Duane Rollins response to the above, Sunday, December 11, 2011

You are entitled to your opinion about what I wrote about Morace.
However, suggesting that I’m a mouthpiece to the CSA is absurd. Yes,
one of the articles I wrote only presented the CSA’s position– I WAS
UPFRONT ABOUT THAT and the women refused to talk to “unfriendly”
sources. I’ve yet to have anyone explain to me why the the CSA didn’t
deserve to have their position presented. Since the CSA was not
talking on the record, I felt it was important to try and get their
position out by using unnamed sources so that people could see what
both sides were thinking. The primary person I was speaking to was
very high ranking and I was confident that the position was that of
the CSA BoD. Morace is a wonderful coach, but an incredibly cynical
and self-centred person in my opinion. Her behaviour in the Nigeria
game didn’t do much to change my position, nor did the fact that she
abandoned her players months away from Olympic qualifying after they
had gone to the wall for her. .

I report on women’s soccer the exact same way that I report on men’s
– if there is something that, in my opinion, deserves to be
challenged or criticised then I will speak up. Would it not be
condescending to the women if I were to only write positive things and
to allow their positions to go unchallenged?

I am absolutely going to pursue this and I would appreciate your
assistance. The Whitecaps will have a chance to respond and the club’s
views will be reported. It would be unfair — and potentially
actionable — for me to approach this any other way.

I just got home after playing all day so I’m far too tired to really
look at what you’ve given me tonight, but I will be in touch tomorrow.

Thank you,
Duane

According to Rollins, Lenarduzzi’s reasons as to why the Whitecaps had no desire to join WPS included 1) the fact that the league was so spread out, thus making it “financially crippling” 2) how “it needs to be a semi-pro league, and it needs to be a league that understands it is very early times for the sport” and 3) “just to provide that highest level of the sport, but don’t worry about professionalizing it.”

Rollins, haughtily ended his article with “if one of the most committed organizations to the women’s game is rejecting the WPS model as it currently stands, well that should tell you something. As we wrote Sunday, its time for women’s soccer to get real and get down to the hard work of growing the sport from the ground up. There are no shortcuts to getting a stable and fully professional league.”

I had to take a deep breath after reading this article, because after experiencing the Whitecaps as a player over the course of the last decade, I believe groups like them are part of what is holding back the growth of women’s professional soccer in North America. To have a journalist such as Duane Rollins with obviously such little knowledge about women’s soccer, lecturing us about trying to take “shortcuts” and asserting what its going to take for women’s soccer to grow, using Lenarduzzi as an expert on the subject, is nothing short of laughable.

———————–

First let me take Rollins’ assertion that the Whitecaps are one of the most committed organizations in the women’s game (and hence their authority on the question of if women’s professional soccer is a viable option).

I have played for the Whitecaps for 4 seasons, in the last decade: 2002, 2005, in 2006, when we won the W League Championship, and this past season in 2011. Through the other years I have been overseas playing in the top leagues in Norway and Denmark for six seasons, medaling in both leagues, including a Champion’s League silver with Fortuna Hjorring in 2003.

Part of why I played for the Whitecaps, besides being my hometown team, was that when I was younger, I had aspirations of playing for the Canadian team. The Whitecaps have always trumpeted their connection with the National Team, starting from when in 2006 Greg Kerfoot, one of the owners, heavily invested in the Canadian team in the lead up to the 2007 World Cup and 2008 Olympics. When players were making decisions when getting recruited for various W League teams, we were always told by Whitecaps staff that playing for the Whitecaps would give us an advantage to making the Canadian team. This was still the case in 2011.

This set up in general, always felt completely inappropriate, a massive conflict of interest and hurt the growth of other W League teams in Canada with all the talent flocking to one team.

This connection with the National Team, also caused a power shift that left little power in the hands of players. In my time with the Whitecaps there were problems that surfaced in multiple years in various aspects of the organization that were not addressed because of this perceived connection with the National Team. These serious issues were swept under the rug by the organization because there was always the fear that in speaking out that National Team aspirations would be affected, and in some cases they were.

——————————

Because of this perceived or real connection that the Whitecaps had with the National Team, the teams I played with in 2005 and 2006 consisted of the majority of the Canadian National Team. Our teams included names such as Andrea Neil, Christine Sinclair, Erin McLeod, and Kara Lang, amongst many, many other familiar names to Canadian women’s soccer fans.

With the result, we were covered a great deal in the media. Playing all of our games at Swangard Stadium, we built a solid fan base, and started attracting regularly over 2000 people to our games and sometimes upwards of 4000 people. At one point, our average attendance for our games in 2005, would have been ranked 4^th on the average attendance for the Men’s A League, in which the Whitecaps men played in. As a female player, I was exhilarated, as I felt that it finally proved that if the women were treated equally from a marketing perspective, and had competent people running the team, that there really was a market for women’s soccer.

At that point however, none of the team, who for the most part were done college and financially on their own, received a penny from the Whitecaps. In addition to our training, we were also promoting the team in various capacities for free, going out to schools, and running evening clinics as examples. Feeling stressed out about money, and seeing that we were starting to attract crowds as a team, we started getting frustrated as a group with the fact that we were getting no money. With friends on the men’s team, we came to find out that their bench players were making $1500 a month.

About mid-way through the season we became fed up and started organizing to take action to receive some kind of funding from the organization. We had planned a meeting for a Monday night at Boston Pizza after practice to figure out what we were going to do.

That Monday night, when we arrived at practice, Bob Lenarduzzi, the president of the club was there, immediately making everyone uneasy, as it was his first appearance that year. The timing seemed too coincidental with our planned meeting that night, and we waited to hear what he had to say. He told us that the club was very happy with our efforts, and because of this, they had decided that we would be divided into 3 tiers, and would receive either $425, $300 or $125 a month for the 2 remaining months of the season, depending on our status as players. Needless to say, our meeting at Boston Pizza later that night was subdued, as players wondered how the organization had found out, and people began to worry about ramifications on their National Team careers, if they were identified as troublemakers. After the Boston Pizza meeting, little else was done to address the financial discrepancies.

Both our team and the men’s team had friendlies towards the end of that season, and while the men’s match against Sunderland was advertised heavily on busses and in ads on the newspaper and radio, our game against the reigning WUSA champion Washington Freedom was non-existent. The crowd at our game was less than 2,000, relative to the 6,000 that the men had for their game, with the pre-game advertising definitely playing a role in such a large discrepancy.

I remember distinctly at that point feeling that if women’s soccer were to have a chance to make it, that it needed people that wanted it to get there. I also got the disturbing feeling that there were people out there who didn’t want the demands that would come with the women’s side getting too successful or taking away focus from the men.

—————————

Fast forward to this season and I decided to give things with the Whitecaps another chance as I was home for the summer of 2011. To be short and sweet, it saddened me as things have moved backwards. While the words of the Whitecaps trumpet their commitment to the women’s program, their actions are completely different on the inside.

There were many different examples to me in 2011, of this hypocrisy in the Whitecaps “commitment to the women’s game”. I will give one situation from this past season that illustrated why I really fear for the next generation of girls and their possibilities of a league, if people like Duane Rollins continue to perpetuate the false notion that groups such as the Whitecaps should be held up for their commitment to growing the women’s game.

Every year we are required to do free clinics for the Whitecaps essentially to promote the organizations summer camps as well as the games on both the men’s and women’s side. In past seasons it has been mandatory for both the men’s and women’s teams to volunteer for 2 or 3 clinics.

At the beginning of the season, a friend of mine that works for the organization made the comment to me that the girls would be doing a lot more of the free clinics, as per MLS rules, the men’s teams have to get paid $300 per appearance. With the result, some female players had to spend upwards of seven evenings spending their own gas money to run these clinics to promote the Whitecaps because it was a lot cheaper (free v $300) than getting the men’s players to do their share. While older players such as myself were unafraid to say no when it got to be too much, younger players, afraid to say no, were often the ones who were targeted. Some would have to give up an evening of paid work to attend these Whitecaps clinics for free.

In one case we received an email saying on a Thursday night that there would be 2 groups of women’s players going to Vancouver Island on a Saturday or Sunday for what essentially, with travel, would be ten hours of volunteering for the organization. My roommate came home the Saturday night incensed. She, as a few other girls on the team in 2011, had played in both the WPS as well as overseas, and had been used to being treated with respect and professionalism as a female player.

Already irked that last minute (on a Thursday evening when the clinic was on a Saturday) they had been told to volunteer for the day for the organization, they were even more incensed, when 2 players from the MLS team who weren’t travelling with the team that weekend, showed up as the clinic was starting, signed some autographs and then left early to catch the men’s game on TV. Adding insult to injury, besides knowing the $300 the men’s players had gotten for their brief appearance, the girls finished and cleaned up the camp, missed the ferry home, and in the words of my teammate “felt like second class citizens.”

——————————–

So to Mr Rollins and others who think like him: we are not asking for handouts, or for a league to be handed to us. We are looking for the opportunity to control our destiny.  We’re asking for groups like the Whitecaps, who will use a connection to women’s soccer to make money and have control at the youth level, but don’t see a future for professional women’s soccer, and who are asking us to just be happy with a semi-professional league, to step out of the way. Let those who do believe in the possibility of professional women’s soccer, to take control at the grassroots level.

And Mr Rollins, for journalists such as yourself that wish to lecture the women’s soccer community at large as to what we should or shouldn’t do, at the very least, take the time to educate yourself on how things really are at ground zero in the women’s game, before bestowing your advice upon us. Because in the end, it really just makes you look ignorant.

Comments? Conversation? Find me on twitter @ciaramccormack

I have to say, that although only 6 days have gone by, its been pretty eventful. First it started with my flight. And for those of you that have had the pleasure of travelling with Ciara, you most likely will be smiling at this point.

I flew out on Tuesday night after work. I had a jam packed, Ciara-style day, and I looked at the clock at 3:40pm and felt like I needed to work out before I left. So instead of hopping in my car to get home and have a little bit of extra time, I threw myself on the treadmill and started my abbreviated interval workout. That had me landing into New Haven at about 5pm, where my good buddy from the Irish team Meabh, was waiting to chauffeur me to Newark. It all seemed fine, and the GPS said we would make it in good time, til we got stuck behind a bad traffic accident and I arrived at my gate at 8:03pm, the time that my flight departed for Oslo. Seeing the sign “departed” for a flight you were supposed to be on, is definitely not the best feeling in the world. I ended up having my direct flight turned into one with a layover in Heathrow, and by the time I got to Oslo at 5:04pm (instead of 945am), I was ready to pass out.

After chilling out on the familiar Flytoget (airport train) and brushing up on my Norwegian, I was lost in a Blackberry coma, when we suddenly arrived at Oslo S. I was a little half confused if we were there, and jumped out quickly once I realized we were. I grabbed my bags and headed up to my favourite sandwich and coffee shop in Oslo S, the main train station, with my phone about to die.

When I realized I didn’t have my wallet.

Always a first time for everything. So after sending an emergency message to my friend Patrick who I was crashing with, telling him I was outside Burger King, wallet-less, I headed back down to where the train had been a few minutes before. Luckily there was a couple of people who worked for Flytoget standing there, and they looked sympathetically at me as I explained what happened, looking like an exhausted greaseball. They called their friend who was working on the train and told me that it would be back on its return trip 1.5 hours later.

So I sat in front of Burger King, praying that Patrick would come, and realizing how limited my options were without any money. For those of you that don’t know, you can’t even use the washroom at the main train station in Oslo, without 2 dollars. And then about 10 minutes later after I made friends with an American girl who was sitting next to me, Patrick rolled in, with a big smile, a hug, and a laugh. 1.5 hrs after I had gotten off the train with no wallet, we arrived to Track 13 where the train was back. After standing in front of some random door when the train pulled up, a guy who worked on the train looked at me, and with a smile in English, before I had a chance to say anything, and asked “when’s your birthday”. I spat it out quickly, and then with a creepy smile on his face, he opened his jacket and I’d swear I saw light and shooting stars as I was reunited with my wallet and its entire contents. As we love to say, “Only in Norway” (are people so honest).

With that bullet dodged, I headed back to Patrick’s and passed out. The next funny story happened the next night, the night before my thesis defense. First I had a great dinner, on Karl Johan, the main street in Oslo, with my good friend from my time in Denmark on Fortuna Hjoerring, Ali Forman, and her partner Hege. Ali captained Australia at the 2000 Olympics and currently runs the Dana Cup, one of the biggest youth tournaments in the world, through Fortuna. It was a fantastic conversation again with someone who is very knowledgeable about women’s soccer, the issues it faces, and who has connections worldwide through her work with Dana Cup. We discussed ideas, spoke about experiences, and brainstormed ways for women’s soccer to move forward. A perfect night in my little world

After dinner with Ali, I called my host and buddy Patrick. He was heading to a Victorian-era themed “Julebord” (Norwegian Christmas party, where by Christmas provides an excuse to drink heavily and celebrate) and I was heading out to visit with one of my best friends, my little Russian (said in russian accent), Yulya. After a great visit filled with Yulya’s legendary crazy stories, I headed back to the apt with the keys that Patrick had given me, looking forward to reading my thesis one last time, and then passing out. It was about midnight at this point, and as I unlocked the apt door, I heard a click, pressed against the door, and then…nothing. The door was still locked.

I spent the next 15 minutes, turning the key slowly, and pushing hard, pulling the door, talking to the door, body slamming the door, and nothing. So I had to put the inevitable phone call into Patrick, asking him if by chance the door was double locked. And sure enough the expletive that rolled immediately out of his mouth, confirmed this fact. Feeling guilty to put a damper in his evening, two nights in a row, I told him to stay at the party, and I would wander around the (sketchy) neighborhood. And I spent the next hour from midnight to 1am walking the streets of Oslo, drinking a mocha and eating a chokolade boller (chocolate buns- amazing! You need to try them if in Oslo!!) thinking how this was not an optimal way to study for my thesis defense the next day.

Finally, Patrick called me to tell me he was on his way home, and thankfully with the mild winter weather in Oslo right now, I wasn’t frostbitted too badly. We got in the apt, and I started studying for my exam. At that point, I realized, in a thought that often comes through my head when I get ADD and don’t want to study anymore, “there’s really nothing more I can do at this point, I either know the material or I don’t.” So with that, I logged onto people.com, made sure I was up to date with my celebrity gossip, and then passed out on my airmattress.

The next morning, I headed to school for my thesis defense, legimately nervous. Mainly because I had used a lot of the research of one of my examiners as well as the same theory, so I knew that I would not be able to use my best quality in academic situations, my ability to BS. Also, this same examiner, Bente Skovgang, was not only a PhD holding researcher, but she was also a referee at the 1996 Olympics, and was on the committee for UEFA for referees. Her research was amazing, and I kind of felt before I even met her, that she was a bit of a hero.

Leaving no chance of a Ciara type adventure, I got to school at 10am, and so had an hour to kill before my exam. I headed upstairs, and at 10:30 my advisor Kristin Walseth came out and told me that they had discussed my paper, and were ready to start asking me questions. She said that they really liked it, and therefore, to just be prepared because they were going to be firing some hard questions at me. I told her I was nervous because I knew Bente was familiar with the theory I had used, the part of my paper that I felt least confident about. And Kristin smiled and told me that the other examiner Jon, had used the same theory as well in his research. Kristin was amazing to me in the research process, and as she had many times, she gave me a big hug and told me she knew I’d do well.

After getting a lot of questions fired at me they told me I could leave the room while they discussed my grade. I had no idea what I would get. And when I came back in, they told me that I would be getting the highest grade possible and they highly recommended I get a PhD. I definitely was amazed and excited, but I think again it proved to me that if you do something that you are passionate about and are excited about, the quality of work is proven in that. I’d like to do a PhD, so we’ll see if the opportunity to that will come up. In Norway, you get a proper salary for doing a PhD, so if I do a PhD it will be over here, since I’ve lived on the poverty/student/female soccer player line long enough.

As a sidenote, my thesis was on comparing opportunities in Norway and Canada to combine education and elite soccer for women.

The best part of the day was when I headed to the subway after my exam. It was raining and I had my hood up over my head, when a woman asked me if I knew how to work the subway machine. I looked up and it was Bente, my examiner, and the current UEFA referee. We started talking about the issues holding back women’s soccer, her experiences, research in it…it was an incredible, inspiring conversation, and I went 5 stops passed the one I was supposed to get off on, just to listen to what she had to stay. And it reinforced in me, yet again, that there are wonderful, passionate, educated people out there, that believe that women’s soccer can be better, and want to help push it forward in whatever way they can.

The rest of my trip has been a lot more mellow, thank goodness I had a chance to visit with my friend Vanja, who I played with in Donn, my last club that went bankrupt. Vanja was one of seven foreigners on the team, that with myself, endured a hellish situation at the end of 2010, as our manager committed what can be described as tax evasion and brought our whole club down. The good part of the situation was that I made some life long friends in the course of a couple of months, and Vanja was one of them. She grew up during the war in Serbia in the mid 90′s, and went on to play for the Serbian National Team for many years, and played professionally for many years in Iceland, and Norway, before hanging up her cleats at the end of last season. She completed her UEFA A and is currently coaching the youth program at Stabaek, one of the best clubs for women in Norway. It was so great getting to spend a night hanging out, reminiscing about the gong show that was last year, drinking tea, catching up, and singing Adele at the top of our lungs.

I took the train down to Kristiansand yesterday to see my good friends Heidi and Tommy, and Miriam and Silje, which did not disappoint at all, and now tomorrow, I am getting ready to head back to the US after this whirlwind trip. I have a bus trip to the airport in Kristiansand, followed by a 1.5 hr layover in Oslo, followed by a bus and train trip back to New Haven, so fingers crossed things go ok

Being back makes me miss being over here a little. The main feeling that I have is again frustration that I feel like I need to choose being far away from home, and giving up something in my job and personal life to be able to play high level soccer. But having all that, in North America, but not getting that elite level of soccer, is frustrating for me. Its something I really hope to have the opportunity to change for the next generation of girls.

But it was a great trip, and I’m excited to get back to girlsCAN, coaching, and my friends and training buddies in Connecticut…

Namely it’s about professional soccer for women in North America. My twitter feed has been filled all day with tweets from inspiring, fantastic national team and professional female players. They all have dedicated their lives to becoming better players. They’ve overcome injuries, low pay, challenges of all sorts, to reach the pinnacle of the sport. And here they are on twitter, down on their knees, begging and pleading for a miracle investor to come in and save the only pro league for women in North America, the WPS. To allow these ladies to make a modest living (and I mean in some cases, borderline poverty line level salary), playing a game that they love.

I’m not cringing at these ladies pleading on twitter, because yes, we have come to this point, and there is little left to do. But inside there screams a voice that says WHY! Why have we allowed things to hit a point where it is necessary to beg?

There are almost 4 million girls that are playing soccer in North America currently. 4 million!! To those that say there is no money in women’s soccer, I dare to differ. In fact there are people making out like bandits from the women’s side of the game.

A metaphor for how this current situation with WPS makes me feel, is that it reminds me of people on one side of a wall on their hands and knees begging for food and water to survive, when on the other side of the wall there is a plethora of both. The resources actually belong to the impoverished group, but instead of looking for a way to reclaim those resources, instead that impoverished group stands on the other side of the wall, begging for crumbs.

———————————–

The Concept of Women’s Soccer as a Charity

As the drama with the WPS has unfolded over the last few months, I have had some ah-ha moments. A few weeks ago there was rampant talk of a team coming to a state. I went on the local message boards, and the owner of the biggest girls club in the area was speaking in very negative terms about the league and this team coming. My initial reaction was, this guy is making hundreds of thousands of dollars if not millions, off of girls soccer in this state, why would he feel the need to contribute so negatively to the discussion. If anything, being in charge of so many young female players, he should want WPS to succeed, and why wouldn’t he do everything in his power to make it happen?

And then it hit me. Should WPS come to the area of his club, it would potentially be a competitor to this owner. And like any good businessman, he is protecting his investment, even if that is at the expense of the girls in his club having a place to play after college.

Does he care about furthering women’s soccer? Probably not. He’s a businessman, and at this point women’s professional soccer isn’t a profitable investment, while on the other hand running a club full of female youth players, is profitable. The WPS is a threat to his business, so this man, who regulates the information that goes to probably about 2000 female soccer players in the state, is actively speaking negatively about his competition, as any good businessman would. Even if this said competition is an opportunity for these girls in his club to continue to play when they are done college, or have female role models to look up to as young girls in the sport. This is a micro representation of what is going on all around the continent.

After reading this club owner’s comments on the aforementioned message board, I had a coffee with a friend who himself, is making a large portion of his income off of girls soccer. He was defensive of the owner of the club, when I expressed my frustration at the club owner’s comments on the message board. This friend responded to me, “I’m sick of women’s soccer feeling like it’s a charity that deserves to be supported. Club Owner A is running a business and should make his decisions accordingly.”

I felt an anger rise in me at the word charity. It shouldn’t be like this. Why are we begging for crumbs when there is a plethora of resources on the other side of the metaphorical wall.

———————-

Take Action

I started girlsCAN, my company in 2002. I had just finished working a soccer camp, and got paid a measly $12/hr along with my friends who were all national team caliber players. I knew the kids that had come to camp had paid about $100 each and there were about 60 of them. My friends and I had run the whole camp, and when I did the math at the end of the camp I realized that for all of our work, we had probably gotten about 10% of what the camp made. And some guy that knew little about soccer was walking away with a few thousand dollars, while us girls, who were living and breathing the sport, had enough to cover groceries for a week.

I decided it was time to take action, and organized the group of girls that were still playing. Under the name girlsCAN, we ran a camp, and divided the money amongst ourselves so we were able to play, having enough money to cover a couple of months rent. To make a long story short, no one with girlsCAN that was an elite level player, ever got paid below $50/hr. With the result, female players began to see their worth and wouldn’t coach anywhere besides girlsCAN, and other clubs recognizing this, knew they needed to meet or beat that price to get elite level female players to come and coach for them.

The acceptable wage for female players went up from $15/hr to $50/hr in the course of a couple of years in Vancouver, Canada, and still remains the same. It was a lesson to me that change comes from thinking outside the box, and taking action to make the world look the way you want it to.

The lesson as it relates to the WPS, is that its time for female players to take control of things at the business level of the sport, at the grassroots, where the money that could sustain a league lies. We need to be involved controlling that money and making the decision to re-invest it into the sport that we are so passionate about, that we have lived and breathed for so many years.

We need to forget about begging for crumbs and climb the wall and start taking the riches. We need to be the smart business people. But be smart business people that truly want to see women’s soccer grow.

Change doesn’t happen begging on our hands and knees.

Find me on twitter @ciaramccormack

I had a rough end of the year last year in Norway with my club going bankrupt and dealing with an ankle that inflamed for a good part of the year, and left me limping for days after every 90-minute game I played. We also changed coaches on the Irish team last August. I knew when our new coach was named with her history of coaching the youth national teams for years and having no connection with her, that I knew it would make it be a situation that I would have to fight for my spot on the backline once again and knew I was a potential target to be cut, especially being back in North America, being older, and having had my ankle injury when she had our first camp in August.

That being said, after a really good winter and spring training in the US, and being fitter and healthier than I have been in a long time, I was super pumped to come home and play for the Whitecaps. It was a choice that raised eyebrows, as I left right before I was to sign for the 2007 season because I stood up to a coach who had been treating players in a questionable manner (him and the Whitecaps “mutually terminated his contract” a year later for similar reasons). I also spoke out against the politics of the system at home when the Whitecaps copied my college showcase at home, had it endorsed by leagues at home and put it 2 weeks before mine. I was assured that this was all water under the bridge and that it wouldn’t have any bearing on the season. In retrospect, possibly why the water was thrown under the bridge so fast, was the fact that I recommended 2 of my closest friends to come and play for the Whitecaps this summer, one who was our only player named All-W League and the other our captain and MVP. Perhaps I am still naïve to think that I can stand up to things and have no consequences, but then again I’ve always been an idealist.

I think as players, and especially as I have gotten older, I think its safe to say that one knows when they deserve to be on the field, and when they don’t. I played our first exhibition game at center back against the University of Washington, and then played our first game of the W League season; 2 games thrown together on the backline with people I had never played with or practiced with and we got shut outs. I was playing well, and so was the team.

Then I got benched. And when I asked why, because I genuinely didn’t understand, I was told that it was because it was going to be a very aerial game, and he needed people out there that were good in the air. Which added to my confusion, as at any level I have ever played at, that has been probably my best quality. I asked if I could be considered as an outside back, as it’s the position I play internationally, and the coach said he only saw me a center back, after questioning Ireland’s level (Ireland’s level is just fine; in one of the games I played outside back 1.5 years ago, we lost 2-1 to almost the same team that beat Canada 4-0 in Germany). For those of you that know soccer, you know that besides keeper, center back’s probably the position that is least likely to be switched.

I worked hard at practice every day, as teammates asked me if I noticed that my team always won. I responded that I did, because my team always did win. But it was my only competitive outlet for the week, so maybe that gave me an advantage.

The point I realized that this wasn’t about the best players playing was when I congratulated one of my teammates for having an outstanding game, on what was probably our best game of the season. She started and played the first 45 in our 3^rd game of the season, a 3-0 win. She told me that she had just been told that she didn’t make the travel roster to California. Inexplicable to our whole team, as players far inferior to her traveled. At that point I realized that again this was not about who deserved anything; there was obviously some kind of alternate agenda at play, which was unfortunate when national team coaches for all the countries of my teammates were probably at one point or another paying attention to who was playing and making judgments based on that.

Further frustrating me was the fact that if this was men’s soccer, no coach could make these kinds of decisions without having some kind of accountability to them. And we missed Amy V’s presence on the field on that 3 game road trip. She was told it was her fitness; she was fitter than people she got left behind for; she had proved that in our beep test the week before. Nothing made sense.

I was fighting ghosts; People that played ahead of me included people who had never played in the backline before, people who had arrived on the team, practiced once and started, people that had just arrived home from a 5 week backpacking trip and the clincher was when someone was brought in at the end of the year who had been off of competitive soccer for a year. It reminded me of one of those love songs about someone trying to compete with a ghost. And I say all those examples with no disrespect to those girls; the girls in general, including those that started over me, were the reason that I lasted as long as I did; there were some fantastic people I met this summer that I will be friends with for a long time.

Meanwhile my Ireland coach wrote me asking me why I wasn’t playing. She was following the box scores and could see. And I told her that I honestly didn’t know. Other answers I was given was that I pushed up aggressively and if defenders didn’t’ stick with me, and if the ball got played over, and players were onside that I didn’t have the speed to catch them. So then I asked incredulously, if I was being punished because people didn’t step? There was just no logic and I was left with the answer that was a version of what a parent tells a questioning 5 year old who is asking why: “because I said so! You might not like it but I’m in charge and I make the decisions”.

It didn’t help my situation that I got more outspoken as the season went on to the unprofessionalism that was occurring on and off the field. On the field it was chaos; players took off for weeks at a time and then came back and started, others would miss practices for vacation, and post pictures on facebook, while other players would see them, but then the vacationers would get the start on the weekend.

Nothing like the professionalism that I was expecting and was the key word thrown around when I was considering whether or not to come back to a team that I have never had a good experience on.

As I mentioned in a past blog the tight, fair, no BS ship my old coach Dan Eggen ran and what a positive affect on bringing the best out of players, and the team? Well this season was like watching a coach drum up the variables to create the Titanic. And a team that was so incredibly stacked with talent, stumbled to a third place finish behind teams that were far inferior on paper. I quit shortly before our conference championship when the player who hadn’t played in a year got brought in to play over me, and I just felt like I needed to spend my last couple of weekends at home focusing on something else. 1.5 games worth of playing time over 3 games was it for me this summer. Disappointing when I had just wanted to play and was at a point in my career where I probably could have on any other W League team.

So that all being said, although I am the fittest and healthiest I have been in a long time, the box scores of the games didn’t show that and I didn’t get invited into Ireland camp next week. But I am tired and just don’t have the soldier will in me to pick myself up to go to battle again, for what? To put in all the hard work, all the sacrifices to live in a soccer world that I have so little control over and to have people who are quite simply, not good people, calling the shots in my life. I don’t want to be bitter, and I just want to start making the women’s soccer world I care about so much, better. To put values such as hard work, humility, accountability, positivity at the forefront of every girl and women’s experience on and off the field.

At the end of the day, whether as a player or as a coach, our legacy is our integrity. Peace of mind is knowing that you gave an honest, fair effort every day. I can do that and be proud of the player and teammate that I was this summer and throughout my career. I have no regrets, and I think whether its life or its soccer, that’s all you can hope for. I gave my best effort. I have peace.

We’ll see where life takes me from here.

Then they came for the trade unionists and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for me
 and there was no one left to speak out for me.

-Pastor Martin Niemoller (1892-1984)

The above is one of my favorite quotes. Although it refers to how Hitler was empowered to get so far in his efforts in the Holocaust because everyone stood by, uninterested, until the persecution reached them, I see how it is applicable at a micro level in the soccer world, and on a macro level in our daily lives. As someone who has always had a hard time standing by and seeing things that are wrong occur, whether they affect me personally or not, the call for action that the above quote implores, has always resonated with me. Over the years, I have had to sometimes quell the fire in me, and remind myself of what I would like to achieve in any situation, regardless of how “right” I perceive my views to be. As I have matured, I have learned to tame my passionate opinions; that the deliverance of any message is of equal importance to what the content of it is.

That being said, in the elite level soccer world that I have been immersed in for so many years, I have seen many things occur that would probably shatter most naïve sports fans views of the purity that we are told exists in the pursuit of sports to the highest level. As an athlete that fed herself on this idea, the concept that the best one, the hardest working one, and/or the most qualified one gets the farthest, has been a bit like a little kid realizing that Santa Claus isn’t real. Sepp Blatter’s unethical power struggle at the top of the soccer chain is a good enough metaphor for what occurs down the chain. I don’t say this with bitterness either. Just like the child who has been good all year believing that Santa will reward them; you realize that although its disappointing the day you realize Santa isn’t real, there is still a lot of joy, positivity and reward to be found in being good all year.

To change anything one must have passion, a belief of what they believe to be right, and the courage to act. There is so far to go in women’s soccer, and as I have witnessed in my time back in Canada, so little has changed from when I first started to play in 2002 in Vancouver in terms of the culture and the environment for the players. From a playing perspective, yes there definitely has been improvements in terms of the quality of players being produced, but again, there is such a long way to go, especially compared with other countries that I have been exposed to.

If there is one thing that has been made clear to me this summer, is that time does not change things. We do not progress just because years go by. Change takes passion. Change takes a belief in a direction. And change takes courage, and people willing to get out of their comfort zone in order to speak, to act.

One of my favorite friends that I have made in soccer recently wrote a blog post that touched me. As someone who, for better or for worse, has stood up to things that have been wrong in the past, there are times, that I struggle with the weight of my own perceived label as a trouble maker. Amongst whispers of a group, I feel like often it is my voice that comes forward, unable to stand injustice occurring, especially in a realm such as soccer that I am passionate about from the deepest level of my being. I know my penchant for speaking up has hurt me on the field, as I am not a star player, although with that being said, I have friends that have been stars that have experienced getting dropped or losing playing time for speaking out against more powerful figures such as coaches or clubs that are engaging in things that are not right. So much of the sport is subjective and as I have experienced personally, and witnessed with some courageous teammates that I have been surrounded by in my career, revenge for hurt egos can always be found in a lack of playing time, or being dropped from rosters altogether.

That being said, one thing that I have realized through my journey, and that I will take with me from the field and into life, is that I will never compromise my sense of what is right, or dim or hide my own views to fit in with ones that I know aren’t right, because I’ll get ahead. I’ve seen people do this, and I’ve seen it work two ways, neither positive. If you’re actively being unethical or putting people down to get ahead, you will always be found and will flame out unceremoniously in the end. If you are someone that stand by and let others be oppressed, or mistreated because you are afraid of how it will affect you, no matter what you accomplish you will never experience the full satisfaction of that accomplishment.

I will close with the wise words of this cherished friends of mine; she is both one of the best soccer players I have ever played with and someone who I admire so much for the integrity and passion in which she lives her life.

More often than not, people who voice their opinion when it is not a popular on are regarded as a “trouble maker.” Their statements might be the most fair and honest, but if it is criticizing a popular belief, or even just a belief of a person of power, there is very little support to get.

There was not many days ago I told my friend that the belief I was grown up with, that honesty gets you the furthest in life, is not right. I personally feel you can tell me anything as long as it is the truth. I can handle and respect the truth. However, that is not what I find in all people.

I feel that in many situations, people cannot handle the truth. There is often a pride to be met in people that prevent them from understanding opinions and respect them as they are called. If you do not agree with things, you are expected not to express your opinion about it. If you show emotion that is negative, when your situation is negative, it is considered a controversy. Someone made a line and only the people who fit the description of the “line people” are role models. Or is it so?

Who is the role model? The one who only speaks out when everything is OK and never to step on anybody’s toes? Or the ones who dare to be themselves, good and bad, and who dare challenge the system when it is clear that the system is wrong?

As my friend Lisa so eloquently (in her second language might I add) does, I implore everyone to have courage to stand up and be a “troublemaker”. Positive change won’t happen without it. Although in the short-term it can be uncomfortable, in the long term it is how amazing growth can occur. Don’t empower people or organizations doing negative things by staying silent. And even if somehow it doesn’t affect you in the moment, be the person you wished would be by your side, when you were in your time of need. Be brave. Be a part of the solution.

Coaches have such an opportunity to make a positive, long-lasting impact in people’s lives. Unfortunately I feel like a lot of coaches get distracted by wins and losses and forget that.

It got me thinking as to what qualities have made up those coaches that made that special impact. Ironically these coaches were on 3 of the most successful teams I have played for in my career. But that’s not why I have such fond memories of my time with them.

Two of the biggest qualities, when I think of my three favourite coaches of all time, were

a) That I felt they believed in me as a player and truly wanted me to succeed (even if I wasn’t always in their starting line-ups)

b) They treated me and everyone else on the team with respect and fairness with their power as coach, and created an environment where there were no egos and one where hard work truly was appreciated and rewarded.

My three favourite coaches of all-time are Frank LoFranco, my coach in 2007 for the Ottawa Fury, Dan Eggen who was my coach for a year and a half in Kolbotn in Norway (2009-2010), and Eli Landsem, currently the coach of the Norwegian Women’s National Team, who was my coach for the 2003-2004 season with Fortuna Hjorring in Denmark.

I will now go into more detail about why these coaches are three that I look back on with fondness, and who have qualities that I will take with me as I eventually transition from soccer and into my own career.

Keys to a Great Coach/Leader

1.    Clear Communication:

I think no story more clearly illustrates this point than when Eli told me back in 2003 that I wasn’t in the 14 players that were travelling with the team that weekend. We had just finished in 2^nd place in Europe, and competition for spots was fierce. Eli pulled me aside before she read the list of 14 that were travelling to let me know I wasn’t going, the first time that had happened to me that season. She told me that there was another player who had been training better than me that week and she felt that that player deserved a chance. She told me how she believed in me as a player and what told me specifically what qualities I needed to continue to refine so I wouldn’t be in that position again.

I walked away disappointed, but with a profound amount of respect for Eli for

a) having the guts to be absolutely straightforward with me in telling me what I needed to be doing better (I knew she was spot on, on what she said as well) and

b) being absolutely fair in giving another player who had been doing well in practice a chance, when she had been better than me that week, even if that had negative repercussions for me.

I realized that although Eli gave me information I didn’t want to hear, I was not upset at all because she was so respectful and straightforward in the manner in which it was delivered. The news, although negative in that instant for me, reinforced a playing environment that people were rewarded for hard work and good performances, and was one that I appreciated and wanted to be a part of.

2.    Everyone Treated Equal

In 2009 Dan Eggen took over our team Kolbotn. It was my first year with the team.

Dan had an unbelievable playing resume, with stints in La Liga (Spain’s top league), in France and Denmark’s top leagues, and most impressively he played 90 minutes at center back when Norway beat Brazil at the 1998 World Cup. It was his first time coaching girls and we were one of his first teams.

I have always had a very strong belief about how a coach can dictate a season through providing a good environment and can bring out the best in a group, through treating people equally and holding everyone to the same standards. Watching Dan coach that season was like watching a thesis unfold in front of my eyes as he proved my hypothesis true.

The team had just lost 2 current (at the time) Norwegian National Team stars, and another 2 former National Team players, one of who was the team’s leading scorer. Everyone predicted that our team in 2009 was going to be towards the bottom of the table as we had lost these 4 starters, and now was left with a very young team.

The team had underachieved the year before finishing in fourth place, and many of the girls had said that the biggest problem was with the old coach, who let a couple of the players run the team, and an environment that existed where people could float on their reputation, while others worked hard day in and day out without ever getting a chance.

The first week of practice Dan set the tone for the season. One of our star players was in a 5 v 2, and a pass wasn’t perfect, and so the ball went out. She could have made an effort to get the ball, but she didn’t and instead pointed at the other player to get in the middle.

Dan saw this happen, and told her to get in the middle, that she could have made more of an effort. She looked at him in shock, as she was the kind of player that most coaches didn’t have the balls to stand up to. This player promptly got in the middle, and had a clear message sent to her that she wasn’t going to get any special treatment (knowing she had to fight for her spot, she promptly had an incredible season for us) and everyone else on the team knew from that moment on, that if they put the work in that they would get rewarded. That year was the most incredible team environment that I have ever been a part of.

We promptly led the league for most of the season to everyone’s shock, before faltering at the end and settling for a bronze. Through the environment Dan created, he squeezed the best out of every single player. More importantly, I think if you asked every single player on that team their favourite season of soccer, most would say that year, both on and off the field. It truly was a soccer utopia, and a season I wish I could hit the repeat button on, over and over again.

3.    Lack of Ego

The year that I went to Ottawa and had Frank as a coach, I had just come from an awful environment with a coach that was on an absolute power trip. It was an environment that would have made one close their eyes and feel like they were amidst soccer’s version of a dictatorship. Fear was the prevalent emotion, as this coach made sure everyone knew that he held the keys to their national team dreams. Everyone kept quiet and made sure they did not step out of line, although there were many things that registered negatively on our respective moral compasses.

I have learned since then how ego seems to play a role in many coaches make up, and unfortunately how some coaches, when presented with the opportunity, use their power in a negative manner.

What I appreciated about Frank was that he didn’t seem to have an ego. He could admit when he made a mistake, he would listen and welcome feedback from us, and again he created an environment for the team that wasn’t about him, but instead was about us. He was so secure in what he offered as a coach, that he never had to put any other coaches or people down, and he didn’t try to exude professionalism. Through his actions he defined it.

My short few months with Frank were some of my best memories from soccer, and my only regret is that I only had him for such a short period of time.

I haven’t even mentioned what I learned on the field from Eli, Dan and Frank, which is ironic, as they also were three coaches that I learned so much about how to play the game from.

What sets all three of them apart was that through their actions, they truly created a professional environment, which is so rare in the women’s game. More importantly, they used their power in a positive manner.

They brought the best out of me as a person and a player, as well as those around me. Although all three teams were championship contenders, their greatest teachings were not in soccer; they were how coaches/people in power have the ability to leave an indelible mark by treating people with respect, a mark that lasts longer and has a greater impact than any amount of wins and losses. I hope I always make the choice as Eli, Dan and Frank did with me to use any power I have over others in a positive manner.

It’s just another example of how soccer has proven to be a vehicle to teach me a very powerful life lesson and another reason why I am so grateful for how these lessons have shaped me as a person.

That being said there has been a lot of discussion back in Canada about our 4-0 loss to France, and the final 1-0 loss to Nigeria. Watching the group’s first games, Canada against Germany and France against Nigeria, I really thought Canada had the group stage in the bag. This was before France showed up with their technical and tactical arsenal fully loaded and unleashed them at perfect levels, while Canada just unfortunately happened to pick the wrong day to have an off one. The Nigeria game was just salt in the already heavily bleeding wound.

In the France game it almost seemed that on a stage that was so highly magnified and result oriented, both teams reverted to what was ingrained in them; Canada looked like a team honed on gravel fields with parent coaches, while France looked like a well-oiled machine who had a technique ingrained in them by professionals, from their first touch on the ball. Both teams played respectively as such.

I was sad for Canada, in that I know both from having friends on staff and on the team, that everyone involved with their group had given up so much on the journey to the World Cup. Because of the work they had put in, and the results they had had in the lead up, they, not surprisingly, had very high expectations.

I couldn’t help but hope for both the Canadian players and staff, after their journey to the World Cup ended in 2 games, that they had truly enjoyed the process. How even more debilitating that loss would have been, if they were hoping to find their only joy in the result of a magical run to the Finals.

It reminded me of a lesson that I learned in high school. I was on a very talented team when I was in grade 11. On that team made up of players from grade 9-12, with a lot of Provincial Team players, I would say I was in the middle of the pack from a talent perspective. I thought to myself in grade 11, if I was a Provincial All-Star, and we won the Provincial Championship it would be the most amazing thing, and I believed it would make me infinitely happy.

With my eye clearly on those two goals, fast-forward a year later and after many, many hours by myself at the park. It was grade 12, and we were playing in the Provincials again. Our team wasn’t expected to do much, because we had lost about 5 Provincial team players to graduation.

That being said, we had amazing team chemistry and spirit, and ended up making it to the Finals, farther than we had the year before, with a team that had had half the talent. I was convinced it was going to be a fairytale ending, one that I felt both myself personally, and my teammates, had worked so hard for and we lost. In overtime.

And the star of their team won her 3^rd championship and MVP trophy. I was devastated. And found solace in the conclusions of my highly religious coach; God didn’t care to reward the hardest worker in sports competition, and that the power of prayer didn’t apply to sport.

I remember being so bitterly disappointed we lost, and tossed my Provincial All-Star trophy that a year before I thought would hold my happiness in it, into my suitcase for the journey home. It was fitting, metaphorically speaking, when I arrived home and it was broken.

I realized, that I was so focused on winning that Provincial high school trophy and contributing as an All-Star, that I got to the end of my journey, and realized I had missed the point of it. Instead of enjoying and soaking in the process of the incredible journey, all the days of hard work, and taking the result either way as the cherry on top, I thought the outcome would bring me happiness. And it didn’t.

I am sure even if we won, that I would have still had that empty feeling that a focus on the outcome can only bring.

Regardless of what the final score was for the Canadian girls, I hope they are all wiser than I once was, and have found the joy in the growth that their journey over the last couple of years has brought them instead of thinking they are defined by a win or a loss in one game. As always there is a far larger and more beautiful picture than the one that society tries to convince us of.

As my broken high school trophy so clearly illustrated to me, although championships and medals are something to be proud of and to be celebrated, they are just a piece of plastic, the cherry on top. They do not define failure or success. To focus on them as what defines us as winners or losers is a misconception.

The lessons and beauty in truly committing to a journey is something to enjoy each step of, and to celebrate, if only because it takes courage to embark on that journey and to make those sacrifices. Giving ones self in the purest sense to a team and a journey is the gold medal. As my high school memories linger, I still take far more pride in the selfless team that I was a part of and all the life lessons they taught me, far more than any trophy or medal ever could.

I’m sending all my positive vibes to the wonderful friends and former teammates I have both on the Canadian team and staff. I know they will come back stronger for the experience and look forward to watching them in Olympic Qualifying in Vancouver.